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And my day suddenly stops being so typical. For a moment I feel like I’m giving birth. Like my uterus is being torn in half. But I already had my babies. Then I see the pain. It’s silver, like stainless steel. It surrounds me, muffling the sounds of teenagers laughing and sneezing and talking and phones buzzing on the desks. A minute ago some girls were jousting verbally, each trying to establish that her seasonal allergies were, by far, the worst. Now I hear the wah-wah-wah of their whining from ten miles away. The world is melting in silver. I taste it, like I used to taste the metal bar on the baby carriage when my mother would take me for a walk around the block. It quenched my thirst, that cold, silver bar. I remember ice skating on the puddle in front of our house. It was so cold that year, just like now as I sit on a frozen puddle. The silver glint of my double-runner skates is oozing through my body. I shiver. Why am I sitting on a skating rink in the road? I look around. She tossed aside the covers, but paused after she placed her feet on the floor. She uttered a long sigh and stared out the window as her thoughts spun in place and went nowhere.She had been so grateful for not having to alter her mother's mind again that she wondered now if she had gone too far the other way and played the part of the coward. She could have forced her mother to reveal whatever had been hidden from her and fill this maddening gap in her past.She stood up and wished she could have the entire night back, but this time to sleep in blissful ignorance. As much as she depended on her abilities, she wished she could wake up one morning not feeling so emotionally wrung-out.Or wondering what else she did not know about her own past.March 8th, 1976 - I live in mortal fear I will go mad before I can complete my work.I look back on the last six months and feel I have achieved little. I cannot hold off a determined effort to break into my mind. My vagina is still sore from the.
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